Words Like Locusts Flew From Her Fingers

Be A Good Parent

Fascinating stuff — how strongly people have reacted to Neal Pollack’s piece on salon.com. I’ve never received so much feedback.

I’m the kind of person who likes to figure things out, so I’m going to apply myself here.

Uh-oh!

I think the reason so many people have reacted so strongly — the great majority of them agreeing with me that Neal Pollack and his wife, Regina, appear to be crappy parents who should never have spawned — is because we’re living in an age when crappy parenting seems to be the norm.

I can’t be the only person who’s sick and tired of people letting their little kids run loose in restaurants and stores. And I can’t be the only person who’s grown very weary of witnessing this sort of exchange:

Little Sally: I want that.

Parent: No.

Little Sally: I want that.

Parent: No.

Little Sally: I want that.

Parent: No.

Little Sally: I want that.

Parent: No.

Little Sally: I want that.

Parent: No.

Little Sally: I want that.

Parent: Oh, all right.

Understand, I’m not unsympathetic to the problems parents encounter these days. When both parents work (and, yes, creative stuff like writing and painting count as “work”) there’s often little energy left over for child care.

Here’s the thing, though. If you really and truly don’t have the time or energy to care for a child you shouldn’t have one. There’s simply too much at stake to fuck up child care as badly as so many people are doing.

Now some of you might think I’m advocating for a society where only very wealthy people procreate. They, after all, can afford professional quality child care if they don’t have the time or energy to do it themselves. This isn’t the case at all, though. In fact, some of the poorer people I’ve know have also been the best parents. How is that? Here’s how they do it:

• They put the needs of their kid first. I’m talking about real needs like good food and shelter and love — not pretend “needs” like the latest fashions and soccer camp every summer.
• They get help from their friends and family. If their family doesn’t live near them and they don’t hate their guts, they seriously considering moving closer to the family.
• They temporarily put aside some of their own desires for immediate personal satisfaction. They take a boring job for a few years if it means there’s a regular paycheck and good benefits. Maybe they work different hours from what their spouse is working so one of them will always be home for the kid. (It’s only five years until the kid starts regular school, for Pete’s sake! In the grand scheme of a lifetime, five years is nothing.)
• They get their priorities straight. They come to understand that a big house isn’t really all that important. They understand that soccer and drum line and swim team and gymnastics are secondary to good food, adequate sleep, a good education, and — very important — plenty of time for playing or just daydreaming.

Come on, you all know what I’m talking about! People have gone completely nuts with this whole child-rearing thing. They’re all confused about what’s important and what’s just fluff. Part of that’s got to be because they’re listening to what the kids say they want instead of using their own adult common sense. They’re tired — from working so hard to pay for the big house and soccer camp and the minivan — so they quit using their brains and just start taking what seems to be the path of least resistance.

They’re making huge mistakes and their kids are getting all screwed up and all of us are suffering for it in the long run.

So…

What’s the solution?