Words Like Locusts Flew From Her Fingers

I’m Sorry

Bwahaha! I bet you thought you were going to get an apology from me for some perceived naughtiness on my part. Ha! Wrong! Instead, I’m just going to take a moment to address the inanity of this statement:

Why forcing your kids to apologize is a bad idea. – By Emily Bazelon – Slate Magazine
“I don’t think you should force anyone to apologize at any age,” [Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline] tells me over the phone. “That’s teaching kids to lie. If they’re not sorry and we make them say sorry, just to make us feel good, that’s not about empathy.”

No, no, NO!!

Of course, you want to teach your children about empathy, self examination, and atonement. But there is a place in our world for the facile apology. When you make kids say “I’m sorry” to one another, you are teaching them a social skill. It’s not about lying. It’s about smoothing the way between people.

While it’s certainly true that not every person we’ve offended deserves an apology, there are indeed times when it’s smart to say “I’m sorry” even when you’re really not. “I’m sorry” is a kind of social lubricant that eases interactions between people. It creates a way for the offended party to let go of their anger. Even if the person getting the apology knows you’re not really sorry for what you did, simply hearing “I’m sorry” gives them a way to save face and allows both of you to go on your way with a minimum of fuss.

Small children are much too young to understand that sort of apology’s value, but learning to do it will serve them well in the future.

Jane Nelsen is, at least on this topic, a bit of a dope. And I’m not sorry I wrote that.